This story is sort of an odd thing to just spit out and dwell into, but I’m just going to say it and be done with it - let the force of my fears, my anxieties all come collectively afterwards.
"A hyperactive thyroid" my newest doctor explained. I’ve heard this before from three other practitioners but never took it to heart, despite going for an ultrasound a year ago to have my throat rubbed with jelly for nearly an hour to deduce that my thyroid was enlarging over time. That my tests came back enlarged but normal, that I would be fine. But now after he had rubbed my throat and explaining my enlargements I will be going to a thyroid evaluation and cancer screening tomorrow morning.
Thyroid cancer is easily treatable - but I… Like I said to Bill in the car today when we went to Florence for our shoot for RDTV, I have to prepare myself for the worst possible outcome because you can never know what might happen. He concurred, being much older than even I - that being pessimistic, although doesn’t solve anything, it can usually lead to joy if another, more pleasant outcome arises.
Rick also mentions it all the time with his fight with prostate cancer and I walked into his office holding back tears because of all the encouragement I’ve given him over this last year; which now seemed empty that I might have something of the same fate.
Because for me; if I have cancer, or become so ill that I will live in a glass box for the rest of my days I’d rather have the plug pulled from my life. Because like Bill and I discussed on the hour long journey home, Human beings can only continue on with the passion of what they can provide for this world.
So I’m scared. Possibly unnecessarily scared, but still scared since my new doctor seemed worried about my well-being despite being perplexed at how extensive my treatment was in the last 3 years. Living with Anxiety, Depression, Anorexia, Insomnia.
But I’m willing to accept the inevitable, should this be trauma from all my mental health issues arisen in my past or even cancer, I will accept this. But I will face this battle, and I won’t go down without a fight.